So I’ll come by and see you again
I’ll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I’ll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin
–Melissa Etheridge, “Angels Would Fall”
And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
–Goo Goo Dolls, “Iris”
I don’t even have to look at you to know I’ve hurt you. I can feel it. Not because of any special powers that come with ascension–although I could probably do that too if I wanted to–but because I know you.
I can’t look you in the eyes because I know the questions I’d find there: why did I show myself to Jack and Teal’c before now, but never you? Where was I when you needed me? And why, now, have I all but ignored you?
God, Sam, you have no idea how hard it is for me to be here. Not to be with you, because I’ve always been with you, just like I promised Teal’c. But to be visible, to let you see me, and not to be able to touch you, hug you or hold you. Because you make it so easy to remember all the reasons I could give all this up that have nothing to do with not being allowed to interfere in human events.
I wasn’t entirely honest when I said I hadn’t met any of the others. What I said was mostly true, but if I’d told the whole truth I might’ve had to explain why Orlin risked exile again to contact one of Oma’s students. Or that he found me because I was watching you, torn between wanting to ease your grief and fear that your words couldn’t possibly mean what I couldn’t let myself hope they meant. Not to mention fear of what I might be willing to give up if they did. I might have to admit that the first words he spoke to me were, “She’s so easy to fall for, isn’t she?”
Fall for you. Colloquially, that’s something anyone could do, and plenty of men have. I’m not naive enough to ignore the fact that even Jack has feelings for you, although he’s too much the soldier to ever act on them beyond an occaisional flirtation.
But Orlin wasn’t speaking colloquially. When he said fall for you, he meant it in the sense that makes women all over Earth love that movie with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan so much. And the scary thing is, I understood. In that moment I understood on every level exactly what he meant, and exactly what that meant for me. How easy it would be to let go of everything I’ve gained just to be with you again.
Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me here even now is knowing I’d be giving it all up for nothing. That even if I were with you again, I could never really be with you.
I saw enough alternate realities to take the hint–you were never meant to be mine.
Still…hell of a time to have an epiphany, huh? You’d think someone who’s supposed to be a genius wouldn’t have to move on to a different plane of existence to realize he’s in love with the best friend and kindred spirit he left behind.
Yeah. I love you, Sam. That’s why I couldn’t come back for you. Because if I had, I don’t think I ever would have left again.
I never wanted to hurt you. But if you could hear my thoughts right now, if I let you hear them, I know you’d appreciate the irony, at least on the surface of it. As much as it hurts you to feel ignored by me, that’s how much more it hurts me to watch Jack half-invite you to be his date to my brother-in-law’s wedding. To watch you work side-by-side with Jonas the way you used to with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Jonas, really–you did the right thing, making him feel welcome, part of the team–but it’s hard not to be a little snarky when he’s got something that part of me still believes should still be mine.
I miss you, and this being present and absent at the same time only aggravates that. If it were any world other than Abydos at stake, I don’t think I would’ve been able to do it at all.
Maybe when this is all over, I’ll find a way to tell you the truth. I owe you that much. I could even show you how I feel, like Orlin did, if I thought it would make a difference.
Then again, whether it would or not doesn’t really matter. You still deserve to know, and maybe knowing for certain how you don’t feel would let me be content, finally, with who and what I am. Even the non-interference part.
But that’s later. After we’ve got the Eye and Abydos is safe. For now…I’m sorry, Sam, but for now you’ll just have to forgive me for not being able to look you in the eyes.
Because if I did, I know I’d fall.