Author’s Note: This was written for the Sentinel Lyric Wheel’s “Crossover Wheel.” During a conversation about past Lyric Wheels with another writer, she commented that part of the fun of a challenge is writing something you wouldn’t normally. Hence, my first Roswell fic. Oh, and it would be a good idea to have a little more than a passing familiarity with “The Sentinel” to understand this–since it was written for a TS lyric wheel, it’s a little heavy on the TS side. Also, for the record, I liked Tess. A lot. I was very angry with the way the writers decided to resolve her character arc, partly because it felt like a cop-out–“Uh oh, a lot of the fans hate her…we’d better make her evil!”–and partly because the whole scenario was so cruel to Kyle. Some of those feelings do come through in this story.
Jim Ellison collected his badge and wallet on the other side of the security checkpoint and started searching for the gate. His brother-in-law’s words still rang in his mind:
“It’s been a rough couple of months…I just think we could use a vacation and he always loved visiting with you…”
“Rough, how? Maybe I can help,” he’d responded.
The other man had hedged. “It’s a long story…I’ll tell you what I can when we get there.”
“So how are they related again?” Blair’s voice interrupted his thoughts. Both the shorter man’s hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, his plaid shirt draped over his wrists. Sandburg’s wardrobe hadn’t changed much in the two years since he’d joined the Force in an official capacity, which was why Vice was constantly trying to borrow him for some sting or another. Both he and Simon had been adamant in their refusal, though–Blair had done his time on rotation when he completed the Academy. Now he was Jim’s official partner and Major Crimes needed him too much to risk his life on some chancy drug bust.
“Carolyn’s older sister’s ex-husband and their son,” Jim explained, spotting Gate C23 far down the terminal and heading towards it with determined steps. “The Plummers really took them in after Michelle left–compensating, I guess–and Jim and I got to be good friends, which is why we’ve stayed in touch.”
Blair laughed. “His name’s Jim too? That’s going to be confusing.”
Jim Ellison chuckled.
The passengers were already disembarking when they reached the gate, and the Sentinel easily picked out the two men he was looking for, just emerging from the jetway. They were about the same height, with an obvious family resemblance. The older of the two had dark blonde hair and haunted blue eyes, while his son’s hair was a medium brown with eyes that seemed to match.
“I don’t know if this was such a good idea, Dad,” Jim heard the teenager confess to his father. “With everything that’s happened lately…”
“That’s kind of why I thought we could use the time off.”
“I know. I just…there’s no one here we can really talk to about it, you know?”
“Yeah. I know. But think of it this way–we’ve got a chance to get back to normal for a couple of weeks. Forget about all the crap that’s come down and just relax. Or if we need to, take a step back and look at everything from a safe distance. Maybe it’ll be easier to go back after this.”
The younger man smiled weakly. “I hope so, Dad.”
Disturbed, Jim nodded to Blair and began moving through the crowd towards the two visitors. They were spotted a moment before they reached them.
“Ellison.”
“Valenti,” Jim responded with a smile, slapping his ex-brother-in-law on the shoulder and clasping his other hand in a firm grip. “Glad you made it.”
He then turned to the boy, who forced another tired smile. “Hey, Uncle Jim.”
Ellison returned the smile with a fatherly one of his own. “Good to see you again, Kyle.”
*****
“They’ve been here for a week, now, and I still don’t feel any closer to knowing what’s going on,” Jim grumbled as he and Blair climbed into the truck to head home. They’d both taken the week off to show the Valentis around Cascade, but something unexpected had come up regarding a case they’d handled, and Simon had called them in to clarify. Valenti, being a lawman himself, had refused to let them apologize and had made plans to spend the day on the waterfront.
Blair snorted in response to his partner’s complaint. “Guess you rubbed off on them, huh?”
Ellison shot him a glare.
“Well, think about it. You’re not exactly the most forthcoming person yourself when it comes to stuff that’s bothering you, man. Half the time if you express any emotion at all, you get ticked.”
Jim sighed. “I just wish I knew what was wrong. Kyle’s a tough kid. He doesn’t break easy. But something’s eating him. Hell, I can’t even get him to sleep in a goddamned bed…”
Sandburg nodded, remembering the battle they’d had over sleeping arrangements at the Loft. Kyle had insisted on taking the couch, even though he’d offered to let the teenager use his room, only offering “I’ve gotten used to it,” as a reason.
“Maybe I could talk to him,” Blair suggested. “I mean, I’m a little closer to his age, you know. Not so much of an authority figure. And that would give you and Valenti a chance to talk too.”
Jim nodded. “Might not be a bad idea.”
“Maybe I’ll offer to take him down to Rainier,” was the younger man’s next thought to be voiced. “He should be starting to look at colleges, right?”
His partner visibly stiffened. “I don’t know if I want you anywhere near that place, Sandburg. Not after what happened.”
Sandburg’s smile was sad but calm. “Yeah, I know. But it’s a good school, Jim. And rumor has it that Chancellor Edwards will probably be asked to leave as soon as she finishes her current term. Berkshire Publishing weren’t the only ones embarrassed by how the whole thing went down, and while she may have managed to blame it all on me, I know for a fact that there are more than a few people who feel her mishandling of the situation only compounded the problem. And not just the professors who were friends of mine, either.”
“All right. Just let me know if anyone tries to give you any trouble, okay?”
Blair laughed. “Take it easy, Jim. I’m carrying now, remember? And not everyone at Rainier knows that I’d only use that weapon as a last resort.”
*****
“So, what do you think?”
Kyle shrugged. “Sure, I guess I could take a look around. I’ll probably just end up at Las Cruces or something–”
“Well, don’t eliminate any of your choices until you’ve examined them thoroughly,” Blair interrupted with a smile. “Sometimes getting away from home for a few years can be a good thing.”
Jim snorted. “With Naomi for a mother, when were you ever not away from home?” he muttered softly.
Sandburg ignored him. “What kind of field are you looking to go into?”
The teenager shrugged. “I guess I figured I’d get in somewhere on an athletic scholarship, and worry about what to study once I got there.”
“Any particular interests?”
He shrugged.
“Okay…I’ll see if I can’t get us appointments with some profs I know in a couple of different departments.”
Blair disappeared into the kitchen and was soon engaged in a lively chat with someone on the other end of the phone. Jim Valenti studied his son.
“You know Blair’s right, Kyle. Maybe a few years away from home would be a good thing.”
Kyle shot his father a look that clearly said he knew he was talking about whatever burden was currently weighing them both down. “I think it’s a little premature to decide that right now.”
“Maybe,” Valenti agreed. “But I’ll be the first to admit, Roswell’s a pretty backwater town. Not much there for someone who wants to make their mark on the world.”
A defiant spark came into the younger man’s eyes. “You made a mark,” he insisted.
His father’s face softened, even though something like regret lingered in his eyes. “Thanks, son.”
Ellison once again silently cursed whatever it was that had changed them both. Both the stubborn sheriff and the cocksure jock seemed to have vanished, leaving behind two strangers with a somber reserve and subtle insecurity he didn’t recognize.
Blair reappeared then. “Okay, I’ve got everything set up. Doctor Graves said he’d talk to Doctor Newell and Doctor Robison for me, let them know we were coming, and Doctor Wright offered to meet with us and Doctor Santos…”
*****
“Blair…can I ask you about something?” Kyle asked as they pulled onto the campus.
Sandburg nodded. “Sure.”
“I just don’t want to…” He hedged. “…bring up unpleasant memories or anything.”
Blair looked at him frankly. “You mean about my dissertation?”
The younger man nodded, looking embarrassed. “Yeah. Dad told me about that when it happened, but all I remember is Uncle Jim said you weren’t a liar, that the paper they’d released was something you’d written for yourself that was never meant to see the light of day.”
“So what do you want to know?”
“I guess…just why would you want to come back here? After everything that happened.”
Blair sighed. “It’s not easy. But I had some good times here. I had three good years before everything came crashing down. Those memories are here too. And something good did come out of what happened. I realized what my priorities really were. And I found out who my real friends were–the people, both here and in Major Crime, who stuck around in spite of everything.”
The teenager nodded, his face quietly thoughtful.
“Have you ever…trusted somebody you shouldn’t have trusted?”
Blair nodded, thinking of Alex Barnes. “Yeah. And it almost got me and Jim killed.”
“It did get a friend of mine killed,” was the quiet reply, spoken almost too softly for purely human ears.
So that was the secret. “I’m sorry, man,” he sympathized.
Kyle sighed deeply. “There was this girl, see…her dad died unexpectedly not long after they got to Roswell and she didn’t have any other family, so Dad and I took her in. She got to be like a sister to me…and then we found out…she killed Alex because she didn’t want him blabbing what she was really doing there.”
It took Sandburg a moment to register that Kyle was talking about his friend who had been killed, not the female Sentinel he’d been thinking of. Children killing children–he’d heard about it on the news, but Cascade had been mercifully spared so far. This was the first time it had hit close.
His voice almost shook. “God, I’m really sorry!”
“Yeah, so am I. I just can’t believe…I let her get to me, you know?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
A long, heavy silence fell between them as Sandburg searched out the Criminal Justice building. He’d had a gut instinct ever since he first met Kyle a week ago that the kid was going to follow in his father’s and his uncle’s footsteps.
“So what was she doing there?” he finally broke the dead quiet with a question.
“It’s a long story.”
“Trust me, long stories are my specialty,” Blair grinned.
The teenager grimaced. “Yeah, but it’s not really my story to tell, if you know what I mean…”
Blair knew exactly what he meant. That was the whole flaw in the dissertation, that it wasn’t his story to tell, but he’d told it. And someone had gotten a hold of it and decided to tell the world before the man whose story it was could decide if he wanted it told.
“Yeah, I get it. But if you ever need somebody to talk to…”
“I will. Thanks.”
“And Kyle…no matter what you may have told yourself, what she did is not your fault.”
****
“Is that why he won’t sleep in a bed?” Ellison asked.
The Sheriff nodded grimly. “Yeah. Tess had been using his room since she came to stay with us. It’ll probably be a while before he can be in there without thinking of her, and some of it spills over into any bedroom. From what his friends have told me, he stays away from their rooms as well, always wanting to stay out in the living room or dining room or somewhere. I just…” He shook his head in frustration. “I can’t believe I let my judgment falter so badly.”
“It happens to all of us sometimes,” Ellison sighed, an image of Lila springing up in his mind.
“I know. But damn it, I hurt my son by trusting her. And Alex…I guess I can’t help but feel I’m as much responsible for his death as she is. Like I failed those kids somehow, especially him.”
The Sentinel sighed, leaning over to rest his hands on the balcony railing. “I know the feeling.”
*****
“…I just don’t seem to be able to convince either of them that what happened isn’t their fault,” Jim sighed.
Blair nodded, his mouth quirking upwards in a slight smile. “Do you blame them, man? We’ve both been there. Like the time you almost shot the night watchman at the mall, and decided you didn’t want to be a Sentinel anymore. Or the thing with Alex, or the thing with my dissertation. You weren’t the only one pissed that I’d let that get out, remember.”
“Or Lila or Laura McCarthy,” Jim corroborated.
“Or Maya.”
“Yeah.”
There was a pensive silence, then Blair spoke again. “Jim? I have an idea…”
*****
“So what’s with the guided tour?” Kyle asked. “We’ve already seen most of the city–”
Blair smiled from behind the steering wheel–the truck didn’t have room for four, so they’d decided to take his Volvo. “You’ll see. Jim and I wanted to show you guys a few places that have been significant for us…”
They pulled up before the Cascade Depot and Jim pointed out the window at the brand new facade. “Would you believe that building was destroyed by a serial bomber about five years ago?”
The younger Valenti blinked. “Whoah. Guess the city put some money into rebuilding it.”
His father, however, watched Ellison with a sharp eye. “A serial bomber?”
The Sentinel nodded. “Veronica Sarris. She was the daughter of a man under my command in Peru…one of the men who died when our chopper went down. She blew up half of Cascade to get back at me for ‘letting’ her father die.”
Kyle’s attention was instantly drawn back to his uncle. “Damn.”
For the next two hours, Jim and Kyle Valenti were introduced to the Cascade no one saw. The club where Jim Ellison had met Laura McCarthy. The safe house from which Maya had faked her own kidnapping to get at her father’s money. Chinatown, where Lila had killed two monks to appease her “family.” The park where she had died because she couldn’t bring herself to kill Jim. Back to the loft, where Jim had missed the call that could have saved Jack Pendergast’s life because he was “occupied” with Emily Carson. Every fatal or near-fatal “mistake” that either one of them had made was laid bare…only with the details of Ellison’s senses carefully edited out. He wasn’t yet ready to share that secret.
Then they arrived at Rainier…
“You asked me, Kyle, if I’d ever trusted someone I shouldn’t have trusted,” Blair explained as they approached the fountain that still reminded them both of one of their darkest hours. “Well, a couple of years ago, I befriended a woman named Alex Barnes. We had some common interests related to my studies, and I started spending a lot of time with her. But I didn’t tell Jim. Turned out she was a thief, and a pretty good one. She stole a canister of VX Nerve Gas from the HazMat Research Unit here at the University. And because I didn’t tell Jim sooner, he wasn’t able to put the pieces together in time to stop her.”
“Why would you telling him about the work you were doing with this woman have let on that she was the thief?” Valenti asked.
“Because those common interests I mentioned? She used them to pull of the heist.” His voice grew quiet. “And then she decided to kill me because I knew too much about how she’d done it. Right here in this fountain.”
“And what Sandburg’s leaving out is that once he did tell me, I acted like an ass and threw him out of my life, and it’s because of that he was alone when Alex found him.”
“Jim–”
“See?” Ellison pointed at Blair with a crooked smile. “He’s still trying to convince me it wasn’t my fault.”
The two visitors laughed, and Sandburg chuckled softly under his breath.
“But the point we’re trying to make is this–” Blair persisted, “we’ve all made mistakes. Mistakes that got people hurt. If you want to use the Judeo-Christian term for it, we’ve all sinned. And sometimes we think we’ve sinned when we haven’t–Jim couldn’t have known Lila was a killer and I couldn’t have known that Alex was, anymore than either of you could’ve known this girl Tess was. We can’t carry these sins on our back, man. They’re too damned heavy, and half the time they’re not even ours. Sooner or later you have to forgive yourself and move on.”
“And concentrate on learning from what happened, not letting it happen again,” Jim added.
Sandburg nodded. “Boy, have we learned that one a few times!”
A few times. Ellison almost snorted, remembering how many times he’d tried to push Blair away because of a mistake he’d made before he’d learned his lesson there.
Jim Valenti looked at his son. Forgive himself…that would be hard. Every time he looked in Kyle’s eyes, he saw the devastation in them as the boy broke the news to him that he’d been mind-warped into helping Tess dispose of Alex’s body…
…but then it must not have been easy for Jim to forgive himself for leaving Blair alone with the Barnes woman long enough for her to drown him either, Kyle reflected.
“What about your friends, Kyle?” Blair asked. “Do they blame you?”
The younger Valenti shook his head. “No. Not even Liz, and she mistrusted Tess from the start.”
“So you’d say Liz is a pretty good judge of character?”
“Yeah, I gue–oh. You’re saying if she thinks what I did is forgivable, maybe it is?”
“That’s a pretty profound statement, Detective Sandburg,” Valenti mused quietly.
“Yeah, well…” Ellison hooked an arm around his partner’s neck and gave him a noogie. “…he’s a profound kid sometimes.”
“Hey, watch the hair, man!”
The four men laughed, and Jim Valenti put a careful hand on his son’s shoulder. They looked at each other, but his words were directed to his brother-in-law and his partner. “Thanks for the good advice.”
End Note: lyrics provided by CarolROI:
“Swim”
by Madonna
Put your head on my shoulder baby
Things can’t any worse
Night is getting colder, sometimes…
Life feels like it’s a curse
I can’t carry these sins on my back
Don’t wanna carry any more
I’m gonna carry this train off the track
…Gonna swim to the ocean floor
mmmmmmmm
Crash to the other shore
mmmmmmmm
Swim to the ocean floor
Children killing children while the
Students rape their teachers
comets fly across the sky
While the churches burn their preachers
We can’t carry these sins on our back
Don’t wanna carry any more
We’re gonna carry this train off the track
We’re gonna swim to the ocean floor
mmmmmmm
Crash to the other shore
mmmmmm
Swim to the ocean floor
Let the water wash over you
Wash it all over you
Swim to the ocean floor
So that we can begin again
Wash away all our sins
Crash to the other shore
mmmmmmm
I can’t carry these sins on my back
Don’t wanna carry any more
I’m gonna carry this train off the track
I’m gonna swim to the ocean floor
mmmmmm
Crash to the other shore
mmmmmm
Swim to the ocean floor