Author’s Note: Written for lcsbanana for the DW Cliché-Swap Ficathon. My cliché was “group sex and Academy hijinks” with a prompt of “any pairing.” I, um…took my recipient at their word on that, so here’s hoping the rather insane option I chose isn’t the only one you hate! It should also be noted that this is *wildly* AU and presumes either a) Martha and Donna got picked up by an earlier incarnation of the Doctor than Ten or b) Gallifrey was never destroyed. It is COMPLETE CRACK.
“Lady President, I must speak with you.” The gentleman’s tone brooked no objection, as though merely on the strength of his seniority he had the right to speak in that tone to the President of Gallifrey. Now if they were back at the academy and she still under his tutelage, that would have been another matter entirely.
Romana suppressed a sigh. Lord Kitticutingarinkitink was one of the oldest and stuffiest masters at the Academy, and also one of the only individuals on Gallifrey who still insisted on being addressed by his entire ceremonial name. No doubt he’d credit the force of his personality with her decision to hear him out, never imagining that it might be simply out of the goodness of her hearts. “Yes, what is it?”
“I am scandalized, simply scandalized, at the depths this Academy has sunk to,” Kitticutingarinkitink protested in a tone somewhere between dignified and pompous, leaning more towards the latter. “These new students…how is it possible they gained admission?”
“They successfully passed all the entrance trials,” Romana answered calmly. “Which, according to the bylaws of the Time Lord Academy, are the only requirements for admission.”
“But they aren’t even Gallifreyan!” was the duly scandalized reply. “They’re…they’re human!”
“Humans vouched for by the Doctor.”
“Exactly my point!” The old man exploded. “It’s bad enough to admit a lower species, but to do so on nothing more than the word of a meddling, undisciplined renegade?”
“And the entrance trials,” Romana pointed out again.
He ignored her. “It’s intolerable! Not only are they an insult to all Gallifreyan students by their mere presence, but they have no regard whatsoever for our solemn ancient rites and traditions. I demand you expel them at once!”
Kitticutingarinkitink bristled. “I beg your pardon?”
“I rather think Miss McShane, Miss Jones and Miss Noble are precisely what the Academy needs,” she answered simply. “Fresh blood, if you will. It will be nice to see the Academy turn out graduates who aren’t already old men for once.”
He was steaming now. “But their piddling human brains aren’t even capable of holding a tenth of what a Time Lord must know, must understand!”
“Of course they are. They only use a tenth of their brains as it is–it should be quite simple to use the Chameleon Arch to open up the rest, provided they are willing to submit to it. They will have to undergo the process to receive regenerative capabilities just like any other student anyway.”
Stymied, the old coot could do no more than make a contemptuous noise and storm away without giving her the respects due her station. Romana watched him go with a sigh of relief, then reached over and pressed a button on her chair. “Braxiatel? Do let me know what mischief the Doctor’s protégés have got themselves into now. I’ve just received a visit from Kitticutingarinkitink and I think I ought to know why.”
“Bloody hell, that was brilliant!” Ace exclaimed gleefully as the three of them arrived back at their quarters, out of breath. She flopped down on her bed and looked up at her two partners in crime. “Did you see Old Kitty-Cat’s face?”
“I saw a bit more than that,” Martha answered a little more seriously. “Are you sure this was a good idea? I rather think he looked about ready to fire us out an airlock if there’d been one at hand. Who knows what punishment we might be in for?”
Donna by now had flopped on the bed beside Ace. “Have you always got to be Martha Jones, voice of reason?” she scolded. “If you ask me, these old stuffed shirts could use a little excitement. And I know we could.”
Ace nodded. “Yeah, if the Doctor’d let on that learning to be a Time Lord was going to be so bloody boring, I’d never have set foot outside the TARDIS.”
“But the whole point is to pass the Academy, then get out into the universe so we can start helping people on our own, like the Doctor does,” Martha pointed out.
“You can keep telling yourself that if you like,” Ace offered generously. “Me and Donna, we’re going to take our fun where we can find it.”
“Too right!” Donna chimed in enthusiastically.
“Besides, who needs a degree from the stupid old Time Lord academy to save the universe?” Ace continued. “Give me a time machine I can pilot on my own and I’m ace.”
Martha smiled fondly at her, finally coming over to join the other two on the bed. “You’re always Ace,” she teased.
“The point is,” Donna chimed in. “What does it matter, really, if we get kicked out? All we’d have to do is hit the Doctor up for a ride, and it’d be the four of us saving the universe together again, which if you ask me is heaps more fun.”
“Wouldn’t he be disappointed, though?” Martha pointed out. “Seeing as the Doctor’s the one who worked so hard to get us in here.”
The other two sobered for a moment, looking uncertain. Then Donna shook her head. “Don’t you remember, he said we’d give the Time Lords a shake-up they really needed? I think he knew all along we’d be out of our skulls and pull a few pranks to liven things up.”
“And judging by what the masters say every time we do, we’re not the first,” Ace agreed. “The Doctor and his friends got up to some right mischief when they were here.”
Martha looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “So which of us is going to graduate and go all megalomaniacal, then?”
“I dunno.” Ace shrugged with a twinkle in her eye. “It might be a lark, being evil.”
Donna shrugged too. “I’m up for it.” She smirked at Martha. “And you’re already the doctor of us anyway, so it’s only fair.”
Martha shook her head, but she was smiling. “All I’m saying is maybe we ought to limit ourselves to a bit more…private sort of fun for a while, until the masters’ve had a chance to cool off.”
Ace leered at her. “Oh? What d’you have in mind?”
Martha kissed her in answer. It was an act that would’ve likely been out of character for the person she’d been on Earth, but this wasn’t Earth, and being the only three of your species on a planet could forge bonds the likes of which you might never imagine under other circumstances.
“Oi!” Donna protested. “Don’t I get some of that?”
Coming up for air, the other two exchanged matching evil looks before starting in on Donna–not her mouth, but Martha went for her neck and shoulders while Ace slipped two hands under the hem of her shirt.
Donna let out a strangled gasp. “Bloody hell. You two do realize this is hardly going to get us into less trouble with the masters if we’re found out, right? I swear, they’re worse than my mum about sex, and she’d overreact enough if she knew what we were doing.”
“I never said otherwise,” Martha teased between kisses. “Only that we were a bit less likely to be found out doing this than blowing up the temporal physics lab.”
“The way this one carries on?” Ace asked, nibbling on Donna’s ear and eliciting a loud noise from her as if to prove her point. “Not bloody likely.”
“You little beast,” Donna retorted breathily, digging her fingers into the collar of Ace’s Academy robes and tugged. “Just for that, I ought to make you scream.”
If there was a knock or a chime at the door, none of them heard it, they were so absorbed in each other. Until a familiar voice said, “Really, Miss Jones. You at least I would have expected–oh.”
Romana broke off in mid-sentence when confronted with the tangle of limbs on the bed. The three young humans scrambled apart as best they were able in their entwined state, all their faces wearing varying degrees of sheepishness mixed with defiance: heavier on sheepish in Martha’s case, almost entirely defiant from Ace and with Donna in nearly perfect balance between the two.
Romana’s lips twitched into an amused smile. “Well. I’d come here to ask that you find a less…destructive outlet for your boredom, but it appears you’ve already done so. Carry on.”
Without another word or waiting for a reply, she turned on one heel and swept out with all the dignity of a woman who ruled worlds.
The three women who remained behind, all in various states of undress, broke down into fits of giggles.