Disclaimers: All characters except Randi and Bethel are borrowed, Jackie St. George and Sister Bridget *with* permission (from Sheryl Martin and Erin C., respectively), the rest without. Shakespeare is also quoted without his permission--Sorry, I'm not going to dig him up to ask.

Rating: PG-13.

Category: SRH

Keywords: MSR (M/S Engaged)

Archive: To Gossamer. Anywhere else, please ask me first.

Spoilers: For my stories "Remembrance and Reflection," the "Meeting Moldy" series, the "Schism" series and "Sky Lights." No episode spoilers, unless anyone hasn't seen up to "Paper Hearts" yet.

Notes: This story takes place about a month after the events in "Sky Lights." If you haven't read that first, *please do*. Also, Mrs. Mulder's first name is Hannah and Bill's wife is named Aileen because I named them myself before we found out their ‘real' names.

Acknowledgments: To Sheryl Martin and Erin C. for loaning me their wonderful characters, and to Erin again for the wonderful little snippet of dialogue she gave me to help get Bridge right.

Dedication: To the brides (and their crazy bridesmaids) whose showers inspired this story. Oh, and to George.

Summary: What else is a bridal shower for, but to embarrass the bride?

"Threshold 3: Scantily Clad"
by Julie L. Jekel

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"Scully, what are you wearing?"
 --Mulder, "War of the Coprophages"

"Which be the malefactors?"
"Marry, that am I and my partner."
 --Sexton and Dogberry, "Much Ado about Nothing"

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Scully's apartment
Annapolis, Maryland
April 14, 1999
11:21 AM

"See, I told you Fox wouldn't let us down," Randi declared with a triumphant smile as the door to Dana Scully's apartment swung open. She slipped the key back into the pocket of her jeans and picked up the brown paper grocery bags she had set on the floor. The two women behind her crowded into the opening, their eyes studying the living room and their own arms bulging with four more bags.

"Are you sure about this, Randi?" Bethel asked. "I mean, I know Scully has a sense of humor, but isn't this maybe going a little too far?"

"Even if we are, who cares?" Jackie pointed out. "What else is a bridal shower for, but to embarrass the bride?"

Squeezing out of the human cork in the doorway, Randi popped into the apartment and dropped her bags on the nicely uncluttered coffee table. "Okay, we've got two and a half hours before our fellow conspirator will be dropping by with the victim. Who wants to do food, who wants to do decorations, and who wants to do games?"

12:10 PM

"It's been confirmed--our surprise guest is coming," Randi announced as she hung up the phone and stepped into the living room.

"Oh, God, that'll be a priceless sight!" Bethel called from the kitchen.

"Not as priceless as the look on Dana's face," Jackie added with a malicious grin. She gestured to the room. "Like it?"

Randi let her eyes drift around the partially complete decorating job, the smile on her face broadening slowly as she took it all in. Pink streamers and bunting hung from the ceiling and every piece of furniture--even the back of the sofa was draped in it. Pink balloons, little paper cherubs and expandable pink tissue bells were taped to the walls and a vase full of chocolate roses wrapped in pink foil and set on green wire stems had been set in the middle of the coffee table. Next to them was a cut-glass bowl of "ring-pops" in a variety of colors with bright red number stickers on the plastic wrappers.

The novelist nodded in approval. "To quote ‘Steel Magnolias,' the room ‘looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.'"

"Good. Nauseating is just the look I was going for."

"Voila. What do you think?" came from behind them. They turned to see Bethel emerging from the kitchen with the vegetable platter in her hand. On a cork in the center of the otherwise-orderly arrangement was a little veggie-cupid with a radish body, arms and legs made of baby carrots, lettuce wings and a black olive head, holding a parsley bow in one hand and a toothpick arrow in the other. A diaper made of a strip of pink flowered napkin was wound around his middle.

"Erin, I had no idea you were so creative," Randi remarked, impressed.

"Thanks. You know, between this, the heart-shaped crackers and the pink dip, do you think anyone's actually going to eat the food?"

"You forgot about the pink lemonade and red fruit punch," Jackie supplied with an impish smile. "And the cake and ice cream."

"Like I said, do you think anyone will actually want to eat the food?"

12:58 PM

The doorbell rang causing all three bridesmaids to jump a little. "Someone's early," Randi commented. Since Jackie was the closest to the door, she rose to answer it, still tying off the balloon in her hands. When she reached it, she dropped the balloon and kicked it lightly towards the armoire with one foot, then pressed one eye to the peephole. She drew back a moment later with a little frown.

"Randi, you're religious, right?" She asked, coming back into the room.

Mulder's sister looked up from her checklist and reached up with her left hand to remove the pen cap from between her teeth. She dropped her head to one side with a curious expression. "I guess you could say that. Why?"

"Because there's a nun at the door. Can you get rid of her?"

Randi let out a little laugh and bounced to her feet, dropping the checklist. "Oh, that's Dana's cousin! She's supposed to be here."

"Oops."

Still smiling, the novelist crossed the room to the door and unlatched it, smiling at the tall, dark-haired woman on the other side who was carrying an enormous brown paper grocery bag and had a duffel slung across her shoulders.

"Bridge!" she greeted her. "You look like you're collecting for St. Vincent de Paul!"

Bridge looked puzzled. "St. Vincent? Why would I be collecting for him?"

"Oh. Sorry. It's a thrift store in San Diego that Dana told me they used to donate all their outgrown clothes to. And you're not exactly dressed for the Salvation Army--"

"Oh, I see." She smiled.

Randi studied the bag in the nun's arms. "Can I help you with that?"

"No, I think I've got it," the other woman responded merrily, peering over the top of the brown paper as she stepped into the room. "I ran into Aunt Maggie downstairs--she should be up in a minute."

Randi stepped out of the way to let her enter and pointed to the coffee table, where Bethel quickly moved a couple of magazines to make room for Bridget's load.

"There!" Dana's cousin exclaimed as she set the bag down on the table and turned to Randi. "Now, look at you! Goodness, it's been a long time since Deeda brought you to visit!"

The other woman laughed, her eyes dancing. "That's true--I don't think I've been a guest at a Dougherty clan Thanksgiving Dinner since college." She stepped forward to wrap the nun a warm hug, then pulled back and gestured to her two companions. "Bridge, I'd like you to meet Erin Bethel and Jackie St. George. Erin, Jackie, this is Sister Bridget Katherine Corcoran."

"But please just call me Bridge," the nun interceded quickly with a sparkle in her own eyes. "I'm here as family, not as a chaperon!" She shook hands with both of them.

"Deeda?" Bethel asked.

"Yet another of Dana's many nicknames," Randi grinned.

There was another knock on the door and Jackie turned to open it while Erin's attention was drawn back to the bag. "What did you bring?" she asked.

Bridget's hands disappeared into the bag and emerged with a tiny box wrapped in frilly wedding paper and crowned with a voluminous white bow. She handed it to Randi, who in turn handed it off to Bethel, who set it back on the table.

"This is from my parents, my brother and his family," Dana's cousin explained, her hands disappearing back into the bag. "And this is from me."

She plunked a case of Guiness down in Randi's hands just as Jackie reappeared with Margaret Scully. Bridge grinned at her aunt. "Never let it be said that the daughters of the Dougherty girls can't drink their swill, right Aunt Maggie?"

Maggie laughed and studied the offering. "I just hope there will be enough."

Chortling, the writer turned and thrust the case of beer into Jackie's arms. "I think this should be your department," was her wry comment.

Grinning dragonishly, the other woman hefted the case onto her shoulder and glanced in Bridget's direction. "I like your taste," she informed her before disappearing towards the kitchen.

"Save some for us!" Maggie called after her. The Canadian waved a dismissive hand over her unladen shoulder and the others chuckled.

"Well!" The nun tugged on her veil. "Now that that's all taken care of, where can I get changed out of this beloved monkey-suit?"

1:59 PM

"I think everyone's here," Randi declared, counting heads. The other two bridesmaids came up behind her to watch the group that had been chatting in the living room while they finished preparations.

"Except for our surprise guest," Erin pointed out.

"Ah, but our surprise guest is showing up late on purpose, remember?"

Margaret Scully and Hannah Mulder were sitting on the couch, conversing calmly--in spite of the latter woman's initial hesitation about coming--for which Randi sent up a silent prayer of thanks. Bridge was catching up with her two cousins-in-law, Bill's wife, Aileen, and Charlie's wife, Mary. And Bureau clerk Holly, who had been a friend of Dana's ever since they'd met on the Modell case, was laughing over something with Ellen and Kathy.

"I'm glad Bill and Charlie are both stationed nearby right now," the maid of honor commented. "It'll mean a lot to Dana that Mary and Aileen were able to come."

"Hell, this would mean a lot to her no matter who was here," Jackie declared decisively, and Randi and Bethel both nodded.

Randi stepped into the room. "Guys, Dana's supposed to be here in one minute, so we should probably be quiet."

Instantly, all sound in the room halted and the group held its collective breath.

"BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!"

Mulder's sister pounced on the phone. "Hello?" she hissed softly into it.

"Randi?"

"Fox? What are you doing calling me here?"

"Don't worry--Scully's not around. Look, we've got a bit of a sticky situation here--she wants to stop at the mall on our way home..."

Randi groaned. "Of all the times, Dana has to pick *now* to become a shopaholic?"

He chuckled. "I wouldn't quite call it shopaholism. She just wants to pick up a couple of things. I'll get her there as soon as I can, I just wanted to warn you."

She sighed. "Well, thanks for the advance notice."

"Did I hear you right?" Jackie asked as she hung up.

"Yep. Dana wanted to do some shopping on the way home. Fox said he'd do what he could to speed her up."

"That would be interesting to see," Mary remarked with a smile. "Considering how stubborn Dana is."

"Considering how stubborn they *both* are," Bethel added.

Randi picked up the phone again.

"What are you doing now?" Jackie asked.

"Warning our surprise guest to come a little later."

2:22 PM

"Guys! Shh, they're here!"

The low hubub of voices died at Randi's words. Stepping away from the door, she flicked the light off just as two familiar sets of footsteps paused on the other side.

"Mulder, stop being so stubborn and let me take a look at you!" Dana Scully's voice came through the closed door, thick with irritation.

"I'm sure it's nothing, Scully. Food poisoning at the most. I just need to lie down for a minute, that's all."

Scully sighed and there was the sound of her key turning in the lock. The door opened, the pair stepped inside, and Dana reached out a hand to turn on the light.

"SURPRISE!! CONGRATULATIONS!!"

The redhead's jaw dropped in shock as friends and family sprang up from their seats and converged on her. At the windows, Jackie and Bethel tugged on the blinds, sending them spiraling upward and letting in a warm wash of sunlight. Mulder laughed and Scully turned to him, her eyes suspicious.

"I'm feeling much better all of a sudden. Maybe I'll just head on home."

"Mulder, you--!" She cut off the sentence with an exasperated glare tempered by a smile.

Randi giggled. "Congratulations, Lion!"

Scully let her eyes roam to take in the decorations, then drift back to her three grinning bridesmaids. "I should have known you three were up to something."

Still laughing, Randi pulled her into the room. Mulder started to follow, but Jackie St. George stepped into his path. "Uh uh. This is your cue to leave."

He gave her his best puppy-dog pout. "Aw, come on, St. George."

In response, Jackie shoved him out the door and slammed it, turning the lock with a snap of the wrist and a wicked grin.

"Good thing we have his key, huh?" Randi joked to the Canadian while Scully embraced each of her guests in turn.

2:29 PM

"Agent Scully, you owe me a bobby pin!" Holly exclaimed with delight.

For a moment, Scully looked puzzled, then frowned and uncrossed her legs, reaching up to remove a bobby pin from the hem of her sleeve and pass it to Holly. She cast a "this-game-is-really-dumb" look towards the bridal party, who answered with matching "why-do-you-think-we're-playing-it?" smiles.

"Don't I get some sort of guest of honor reprieve?" she asked with a smile.

"Nope. You're not a guest, you're home," Bethel teased with unusual daring.

The doorbell rang and Randi leaped to her feet. "I'll get it!"

Jackie bit down on the inside of her cheek to stifle a smile. She heard Erin disguise a chuckle as a cough.

Randi lifted her eye to the peephole, her own smile eating up what little space was left around it on her face at the sight of the figure standing on the other side of the door. She turned the knob and pulled it open, bending down to whisper to the newcomer. "Perfect timing!"

Her voice rose. "Melanie, you were supposed to be here an hour ago!"

Scully frowned, her brow creasing in concentration. Who do I know named Melanie?

Randi stepped back, out of everyone's line of sight. The entire room fell silent, mouths dropping open in shock and bodies shaking with voiceless laughter. Dana stared in mute horror.

Oh my God!

"Melanie" was only a little taller than Scully herself, wearing a frilly floral-print dress, white socks and black Mary Janes. Her oddly wooly black hair was pulled into two braids, back away from a rather familiar and distinctly un-feminine face, her arms and legs were covered with dark hair, and she had...a five-o'clock shadow. In her arms she held a box about the right size for a computer game, wrapped in bright red paper and tied with a black lace bow.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Dana," the surprise guest stated in an apologetic falsetto. "Did I miss much?"

The shock broke, and the room split apart into guffaws, even the straight-laced Hannah Mulder fighting a smile. The three bridesmaids were roaring now, Bethel literally rolling on the floor and Jackie wiping tears from her eyes. Even Randi couldn't stop, even though both her abdominal and facial muscles were aching.

Her own stunned amazement dissolving into a smile, Dana finally regained control over her voice. "Frohike, I...I would never have thought you had it in you."

Frohike grinned in return, waggling his eyebrows under the heavy wig. "Well, it's not like I'm going to have many other opportunities to buy you underwear," he leered at her. "I couldn't pass it up."

Crossing the room, she gave him a quick hug, forcing words through the laughter. "Thank you, Frohike."

He returned the hug, pressing the package into her hands. "Congratulations, Scully. And don't forget, if Mulder doesn't treat you right, I'm still available."

She laughed. "I'll remember that."

As soon as Scully managed to get the reluctant Frohike to release her, Jackie grabbed him by the shoulders and began to steer him towards the door.

"Hey!" he protested.

"Sorry, real women only from here on in."

"I don't even get to watch her open my present?" the little man whined.

"Nope, and you don't get to see her in it, either."

"But--!"

The door slammed in his face.

"I have to know--who was that?" Bridge asked her aunt.

Maggie shook her head with a smile. "If I remember correctly, that was the best man."

Dana was shaking with silent laughter, her stomach muscles cramping with the exercise. "Jackie...Randi...Bethel...you three are just too much."

Jackie grinned. "Wait ‘til you open my gift. You ain't seen nothin' yet."

2:37 PM

"Why am I not surprised," Dana stated in a wry voice as she drew the red-fur-lined handcuffs out of the tissue paper and held them up for all to see.

Randi laughed, Jackie shrugged modestly and Maggie Scully shook her head with an amused smile.

"I don't get it," Bethel confessed, confused.

"It's a long story," Scully told her.

"Which I would be happy to tell you sometime," the Canadian contributed, smirking wickedly in response to her friend's glare.

Randi, meanwhile, picked up Frohike's gift from the "unwrapped" pile and studied it with a grin. "Maybe we should have let Fox stay," she speculated. "Most of the gifts seem to be really for him."

"That's a bridal shower for you," Jackie laughed.

Dana snatched the box labeled "Oh, Doctor!" out of Randi's hands and set it firmly back on the table.

"Aw, come on, Lion," her friend teased. "Don't you think Fox would enjoy the sight of you in nothing but a lab coat?"

"I'm sure he would, but that's nobody's business but his and mine," she retorted.

The guests laughed and Dana reached for the next package while the novelist scribbled down "furry red handcuffs" next to Jackie's name on the gift list.

4:37 PM

Dana Scully flopped down on her sofa with a sigh. Her eyes wandered to the pile of boxes stacked on the coffee table and a smile quirked the corners of her lips. Well. She would never have thought it, but they'd done it. They'd managed to completely surprise her.

Her hand drifted to the phone lying on the table, picking it up and dialing a familiar number with a smile still fixed firmly on her face.

"Mulder," his voice answered.

"Mulder, it's me..."

She could almost hear him smile. "Hey, Scully. So, how'd it go?"

"Very well. I had a lot of fun," she admitted.

"Get anything good?" he asked next with a slight leer in his voice.

Dana laughed. "Well, Mulder, you'll just have to wait and see." Her voice dropped an octave into a flirtatious whisper. "But yeah, I think I got a few things that you'll like."

"Good. I can't wait to see them."

She smiled. "I just wanted you to know it was safe for you to come over now, if you wanted to."

"Sure. Want me to bring pizza or Chinese?"

"Chinese. Oh, and Mulder?"

"Yeah, Scully?"

"Thank you."

He chuckled softly into the phone. "You're welcome. I'll see you soon."

Scully hung up the phone with a soft click and turned her attention back to the pile on her table. Now I just need to find someplace to put all these things before he arrives.

FIN (for now)